“May the light be upon me, may I feel in my bones,  that I am enough, I can make anywhere home…” (I Am Here)

“Cause I am never happy with  enough, until I’m drowning from it all…” (Dark Waters)

Those words get me every single time I try to sing them! It doesn’t matter if I have had the best day or the worst… vocalizing that  I am enough has always made me crack a little. I mean, I technically know that I am enough, but I have never been able to internalize it. There is always this little voice saying… you could be more. More of an employee, more of a daughter, friend, girlfriend, aunt, stranger, person.

I have always been a high achiever and a go-getter. And a high performer, as they say in corporate speak. I choose to read and listen to self-improvement materials in an effort to further my productivity and work toward self-actualization. I love thinking about things in new ways, helping others be successful, living outside the box. That part of me has always been there, but kind of kicked into high gear after a successful battle with breast cancer. It was the flip of the switch I needed to move me into living my life, not just letting life  happen to me. In so many ways it was remarkable, but with the pursuit comes fears and failures. The imposter syndrome gets stronger the further you go. And I go and go and go!

I had a situation not too long ago that spun me into my first ever panic attack. What started out as a beautiful show of trust in my possibilities in my job and where I want to go professionally, devolved into this vicious voice telling me I am a failure and letting everyone down around me. It wasn’t rational and I knew it, but I also couldn’t easily get myself out of that spiral. I couldn’t stop hearing you are  NOT enough! Thanks to amazing humans in my life, I was able to work my way out of that situation but it shed a light on the bigger issue… why do I think that if I am not exceeding other’s expectations, that I am failing? I know it’s a big leap, but I am a big feelings person so it was easy for me to get there and so was the decision to find a professional to help me work through this and it has been revelatory! Unearthing ingrained patterns of behavior, understanding the why behind how I interact in the world has been healing and will be for some time. 

And then came the  Barbie movie! If you haven’t seen it yet… run to the theater! If you have seen it, you know what I am talking about… Gloria’s speech… it was like she was pulling all the words and thoughts out of my head so I didn’t have to keep them there anymore.  

“...always stand out and always be grateful… never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line… and it turns out in fact that  not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault… I am just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots  so that people will like us…”

 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YES! THIS ALL OF THIS!  

Tears streamed down my face as I was able to begin to let go of the idea that I will never be enough. The catharsis I began to feel was immense. Now, I know one movie doesn’t match therapy, but the arts have a way of putting up the mirror and giving us space to truly see. I have gone back to this speech many times since watching the film as a reminder that this is a collective feeling and the more we recognize it in ourselves and in others, the faster we can work to release that vicious voice and actually embrace the truth that  I am enough. 

And what is even better, and why I know that Oula is one of a kind, is that we get to sing out those words in unison… even if our voice cracks or tears come into our eyes… we get to practice believing it one song at a time.